While I Was Out

A touch of realisation to all the souls, who
“moved on” but still “didn’t move on”.

Stephanie Bennett-Henry

While I was out, the other part of me rarely got out of bed, brushed my hair, or even saw the sun.

But while I was out, I didn’t care about her, because I was dancing blindly with the madness, spinning my wheels in the night, holding hands with dangerous things like they came straight from the mouth of god. I bowed to all as if they were holy, as if I was the one people knelt to and believed in with all their hearts. I was unbreakable, but in pieces I carried around, gifting beauty to strangers.

While I was out, the me that laid in a daze of gray, lost somewhere between sobs that grow numb, didn’t give a second thought to the other half of me sinning like a hobby that became a religion.

And that other half, in her grandiosity, did unholy things in my name…

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The Introvert

There are good feelings, people, places and there moments that catch you unguarded in the pinch of time when we are emotionally vulnerable. Well whether we want or not we create these with the imagination of our feelings in those moments. I cherish one such moment that pinches me in my solitude of New Year’s.

In the rhythm of celebration going in my life there was another celebration of the first year New year’s Party. All the drunken elements were slashing out in the wave of music on their terraces. Voices start calling out from the committee members and forcing people in the party on ground. Yeah that’s how parties were ignored, can’t believe now.

Well those times we used to have those prolific vibes to dance across and mine was boosted by her pushing me to party exactly what my playful mind wanted. Well in the hustle of the dancing around and losing her in the crowd and again, time played it’s flute of the entrance and she held my hand in the glimpse of the moment as to be glued to her feelings. And in that one moment I felt the gauge of the people bird eyeing us and I had to let go. And rest of the night, I was wondering if I could be a less introvert in physical expression if not in the verbal one.

The Pandora Box

It’s a funny thing the way we get played out, or you can say the way feelings play us because of our emotions succumbing to the uncertainty of the situations we encounter. It results in the irregularities of the things we want in life and more importantly those that we want to end. And these are the stages which we should not let the unstable mind waving on the sea of emotions to make a decision.

If I understood this I guess there would be more to the things that are in the box of bitter memories. And when the mind wanders into those dark moments of the past, they seem to knocking the lock on those buried moments. But time is something that still would give the strength to make the chains on those stirrings beheld on the “pandora box”.

But contradictorily enough time is also something that reminds me that those memories are hidden somewhere in a suppressed form. That is the only fact I fear because the situational emotions gave me those regrets, those which I can’t erase.

Indecisiveness

The key to acceptance. What is it? Anything but a billion-dollar question for me and I don’t know what mystic does the locker hide in it but I know one thing. One silly thing.

Time. Well, it’s the time we wait for getting them to the right point. And it’s like a logical reasoning. The time we give to waiting for something should match with its importance for being given the time.

Now it’s complicated as s honeycomb but maybe not. Another word I would spell here is “intuition”. Not everything is logic. In fact, logic can be a product of the perception of a situation at a certain point in time.

And this will drive my behavior to myself. So we believe our intuition as to what is worth how much time of wait we should allocate to things in our life. And this will lead us to the point where we acquire enough knowledge to act upon or take a decision.

Now one more problem that occurs here is how do we acquire the knowledge. For not all things are clear. Especially when dealing with human behavior.

But I would wait for these breadcrumbs of knowledge for somethings which I haven’t understood. And doing so I would make the best out of my present moments and give away the moment to my feelings.

The unpredictable “Grin”

There was nothing special about any particular day. When I look back, every moment spent with her either in the laps of sorrow or the shoulders of happiness seem to rub my soul off with their delicate feathers. I have a peculiar way to deal with feelings attached to certain memories. Even if some moments were bitter then, I now sugarcoat them to perceive them in their sweet form.

It was the last day of the college and fate had decided to put her in front of me for several hours at a time and a metre of distance from her made me feel miles apart. This distance wasn’t empty. It was filled with the incomplete things and mysterious feelings which I always avoided as their acknowledgement made me sick. And it being the last day, I recalled one of the unexpected small things I did for her which used to make delightful differences in my life.

It was the time when my feelings had given up succumbing to the consistent load of uncertainty. After a sleepless night of studies and hopelessly checking my phone, I was not really in the practical world.

As I entered the examination hall my eyes searched for her and I found her sitting prepared just in front of my seat. I moved my attention away from her and fixated them on my seat, however the battle between my heart and mind had started. I anxiously sat on my seat and the closeness to her broke the reluctant wall of my voice and it muttered “All the best”. For a moment my brain went dead and I felt as if the final words have been spoken of me. Perceiving this unexpected action she moved her head and I was prepared for a thrashing look. But then I got none. She moved her head back down to her sheet and from the back I saw her cheeks pulling back in a small grin. I knew that unintended actions of mine had bore a happy fruit in my favor.

Memories whilst they last

I sometimes wish this wouldn’t
have happened because the memories and the feelings caused by them serve nothing but a reason to be momentarily shattered. But that particular reason for which I would still repeat this rather melancholic mistake would be some memories embedded deep into my soul. I might not remember the feelings attached to these memories but I remember little nevertheless. Every time I visit them, it’s like reliving those moments with a different feeling everytime. Well some memories are like wine, captured in the stubborness of their own beauty, just not willing to vanish away. And the older they get, the deeper the feelings mean.

Well it was one of those days when the happiness had just sprouted between us. However my proclivity to screw things up had to ruin this one too. And time was not really on my side as we both had exams and she intimidated me whenever she sat in front of me. While I have seen her rolling eyes at me at different instances when I walked by her, I could never interpret her feelings.

And then the moment came which wouldn’t have happened if not for her. I was rushing to my room with a stack of books. And then I saw her approaching from the opposite side of the road. I lowered my eyes but had enough time there to perceive that she had her eyes locked on me. As I walked with my heavy steps sensing her behind me, I could see her shadow nearing me. Suddenly there was a pat on my back, I turned around and saw her smiling at me with a pinch of curiosity. I realized that she had caught me walking more than I needed to reach my room basking in the aura of her presence.

The emotional balloon pops

Timing of emotions is very unpredictable and it catches me off guard as if it waits for every chance it could get to provoke me. That moment is when she is around me. And even after maintaining distance for a long time it pokes the shell where i have enclosed all my emotions for her. But my enclosures are like balloon waiting to be popped by the army of pointed moments like these.

On the evening of a rather hot and humid day, as I walked between the trees bearing the new leaves and felt the cold breeze, my senses got diverted by the sound of her scooty. I almost bent my neck only to be held back by my resistance to this stupid act. But the balloon has already been burst. My legs already tired by the hustle I was going through on the football ground, I became slower and for a moment my body lost consciousness making my steps slower and heavy.

I bore into the memories when she would watch me restlessly as I worked myself up on the football ground. As soon as I would exit the ground, my path would be obstructed by her. My body would give up but my feelings would instigate my thoughts to say “yes” for a walk. So I would go off to wash the dirt off me. As I checked myself out in the mirror, my cheeks had turned pink as I blushed and I saw a stupid boy standing across me.